24期家长学校回顾 | 学做高手父母，以自主教养成就孩子的自主人生

By 2022年11月05日 Uncategorized

 


第24期家长学校讲座回顾：

赵昱鲲博士——自主教养

24th THIS Parent School Lecture：

Self-directed Parenting





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10月28日，清华附中国际部第24期家长学校成功举办，线上汇聚了近两百位的家长和老师们，共同聆听由清华大学积极心理学研究中心赵昱鲲博士带来的题为“自主教养——孩子的自主成长与内驱力培养”的主题讲座。


“人工智能时代，如何摆脱育儿焦虑，如何培养具有自主成长能力和内驱力的孩子”成为了越来越多家长关注的话题，赵昱鲲博士从心理学的角度，为家长们带来了系统性和专业性的分享，排除育儿中的误区，抚平教养中的焦虑，引发家长们的广泛讨论和无限思考。


在讲座的开始，国际部执行校长李文平女士评价赵昱鲲老师为一位“传奇人物”。学习化学和计算机出身的他随着不断的对何谓幸福、人生的意义等问题提出追问，进而走入到积极心理学领域。在他的《自主教养》一书中，他以轻松、幽默的语言探讨父母教养子女过程中的种种现象与实践方法，充满着对这个焦虑时代父母之道的哲思与智慧。



李文平校长还向家长们提到，做父母恐怕是世界上最难做的工作，如何培养具有自主成长能力的孩子，当孩子犯错时如何控制情绪，在面对孩子时如何用自己的“不为”成就孩子的“有为”，都是对家长的考验，希望家长们通过赵昱鲲老师的课堂，学做高手父母。

On October 28th, THIS successfully hosted its 24th Parent School session.  The event brought together almost two hundred parents and teachers online to listen to a lecture entitled “Self-directed parenting – Children’s Independent Growth and Internal Drive Cultivation” delivered by Dr. Yukun Zhao of the Center for Positive Psychology of Tsinghua University.


“In the era of artificial intelligence, how to get rid of parenting anxiety, how to cultivate children with independent growth ability and internal drive” are the topics of concern for many of our parents. Dr. Zhao Yukun, from the psychology perspective, gave parents a systematic and professional way to help eliminate misunderstandings in parenting, smooth out anxiety in parenting, and trigger parents’ extensive discussion and infinite thinking.


At the beginning of the lecture, Ms. Li Wenping, Executive Principal of THIS, described Dr. Yukun Zhao to be a “legendary figure.” Having studied chemistry and computers in America, he entered the field of positive psychology constantly asking questions about happiness and the meaning of life. In his book “Self-directed Parenting,” written in a relaxed and humorous style, Dr. Zhao explores various phenomena and practical methods of parenting. The book is full of insights about the ways of parents in this anxious era.


Ms. Wenping Li also mentioned to parents that being a parent is probably the most difficult job in the world. How to cultivate children with the internal drive to grow independently, how to control our emotions when children make mistakes, and how to choose “not to do” to achieve their children’s “to do” when parenting are all tests for parents. We hope that through Dr. Zhao’s lecture, parents will be enlightened and able to excel at parenting.







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主讲人 Lecturer

赵昱鲲 Dr.Yukun Zhao


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赵昱鲲博士，清华大学积极心理学研究中心副主任，国际积极心理学协会顾问委员，国际积极教育协会驻华代表。“清华-北大-伯克利”联合培养心理学博士，美国宾夕法尼亚大学应用心理学硕士，师从“积极心理学之父”塞利格曼教授，也是美国罗格斯大学化学硕士、计算机硕士。著有积极心理学专著《消极时代的积极人生》、《自主教养：焦虑时代的父母之道》、《幸福的科学》，译有塞利格曼《持续的幸福》、雷斯尼克《终身幼儿园》、高普尼克《园丁与木匠》。 

Dr. Yukun Zhao is the Vice Director of the Positive Psychology Research Center at Tsinghua University, China. He serves on the International Positive Psychology Association (IPPA) Board of Directors, and is the International Positive Education Network (IPEN) global representative to China. [DAN1] He received his PhD from Tsinghua University and a Master of Applied Positive Psychology degree from the University of Pennsylvania. He also holds Master degrees of Computer Science and Chemistry from Rutgers University. He has published five books and co-edited/co-translated four.

Lecture Review

 [DAN1]To confirm… “to China” or “for China”?



THIS Parent School



讲座回顾

Lecture Review





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首先，赵昱鲲博士以自身的真实经历，说明一个人自主性、内驱力的重要性，在美国获得化学和计算机硕士学位以及之后在美国的“码农”工作并不能使赵博士感到满足，凭借着自己强大的学习自主性，他选择继续探索和追求自己所感兴趣的心理学领域。


赵博士指出，培养孩子时，外在目标的追求是“谋事在人，成事在天”的，而更重要的是要使孩子具有学习和成长的内驱力，成为一个终身学习者，成为一个自主的生命，做到既不摆烂，也不躺平，更不内卷，活出自己想要的人生。家长需要尊重孩子人生道路的选择，保持开放的心态。在丰富的自主性培养理论中，赵博士将此次讲座的重点聚焦于如何防止孩子的自主性被过早扼杀。


Sharing his own personal experience, Dr. Yukun Zhao illustrated the importance of one’s internal drive.  After obtaining his master’s degrees in both chemistry and computer science in the United States and then working in there in the field of computer science, Dr. Zhao did not feel satisfied. With his strong internal drive for learning, he chose to continue to explore his interests and pursued a career in the field of psychology.


Dr. Zhao pointed out that when raising children, the pursuit of external goals is more of “Man proposes, God disposes”, and is not the ultimate goal.  As  parents, we want to enable our children to have the internal drive to learn and grow becoming a life-long learner, and in time, to live an independent life.  Parents need to respect their children’s life path choices and keep an open mind. Among the rich theories of self-directed parenting, Dr. Zhao focused this lecture on how to prevent children’s internal drive from being smothered prematurely.


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在Simon Sinek教授的经典模型中，what是孩子的外在表现（知识技能），how是特质风格（例如坚毅、创造力和成长型思维），而why是核心模型，例如依恋模式和自我观念。三层之间的关系为由内向外驱动。


在核心模型中，依恋模式越安全，孩子的创造力越高，更加敢于探索。在自我观念中，孩子拥有稳定的高自尊更有利于发展出成长型思维。


在三个圈层中，外层更加易于评估、习得和取代，而核心更难以改变。在教养中，父母“有条件的爱”容易造成孩子的不安全依恋模式和低自尊，父母对孩子有“人生设计”时，容易培养成一个低自主性的孩子。家长有时会过度关注短期目标和孩子的外在表现，产生比较心理，从而引发焦虑；相反，家长需要更多关注核心模型，以“脚手架”思维来辅助孩子获得更高的技能，帮助孩子培养自主性。


In Professor Simon Sinek’s classic models, WHAT is a child’s outward manifestations (knowledge skills), HOW is trait style (e.g., grit, creativity, and growth mindset), and WHY is core models, such as attachment patterns and self-concept. The relationship between the three layers is driven from the inside out.


In the core model, the more secure the attachment pattern, the more creative and exploratory the child is. While in self-concept, children with stable and high level self-esteem are more conducive to developing a growth mindset.


Of the three circles, the outer layer is easier to assess, learn, and replace, while the core is more difficult to change. In parenting, parents’ “conditional love” is easy to cause children’s insecure attachment patterns and low self-esteem, and when parents have “life design” for their children, it is easy to cultivate a child with low internal drive. Parents sometimes pay too much attention to short-term goals and children’s external performance with the comparative mindset that causes anxiety; Instead, parents need to pay more attention to the core model, by building “scaffold”, to assist children in acquiring higher skills and helping children develop internal drive.



现代社会家长们非常容易产生过度焦虑。透过焦虑的现象，我们需要了解焦虑的本质。焦虑是人类的一种正常心理，是为了提醒我们危险的存在。正常焦虑与事物的危险程度成正比，而过度焦虑则是焦虑程度远远大于现实威胁程度。

Parents in modern society are very prone to excessive anxiety. To erase the excess anxiety, we need to understand the nature of it. Anxiety is a normal human mechanism to alert us when there is danger. Normal anxiety is proportional to how dangerous things are, while excessive anxiety is when the level of anxiety is far greater than the real threat.


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家长育儿焦虑的来源之一还包括家长将育儿这一“非线性问题”当作了“线性问题”来解决。线性问题包括学习、工作，或类似算术题、编程……是控制的和结果导向的；但育儿、恋爱、婚姻等问题的起点与目标是非线性的，它们的特点是自主的、情感的和过程导向的。因此，家长们需要在解决育儿问题时转换思维，去掉控制欲，以过程为导向，让孩子自主的展开自己的发展。




One of the sources of parental anxiety also includes parents treating the “non-linear problem” of parenting as a “linear problem” to solve. Linear problems include learning, working, or solving arithmetic problems, programming… They are controllable and result-oriented; however, parenting, be in a relationships, marriage, and others have non-linear starting points and goals, and are characterized as self-lead, emotional, and process-oriented. Therefore, parents need to shift their mindset in solving parenting problems to remove the desire to control and be process-oriented, allowing their children to unfold their own development independently.


在如何培养孩子自主性的方法中，非常重要的是家长需要去掉自己的心理控制，其中有6种心理控制的方式：否认感受、压制思考、内疚激发、焦虑激发、有条件的爱和动机分析。赵昱鲲老师将它们称为是“中国父母的7种武器”，他在讲座中以动画短片的形式，生动形象的展示这7种武器在真实生活场景中是怎么发生的，其中包括“有一种冷是你妈妈觉得你冷……”、“我都是为你好……”等等，帮助家长们认识和理解这些心理控制方法，激发家长们思考“有哪一种自己中过，又哪一种自己用过”，从而帮助家长们认清育儿方法的误区，纠正错误做法。




In the method of how to cultivate children’s internal drive, it is very important that parents need to remove their mind control tactics. There are 6 ways of mind control: denial of feelings, suppression of thinking, guilt stimulation, anxiety stimulation, conditional love and motivation analysis. Dr. Zhao called them “Chinese parents’ 7 weapons”. He vividly showed how these 7 weapons occur in real life using animated short films. The common mistakes include “There is a kind of cold that your mother thinks you are cold…”, “I am all for your good…” and so on. Dr. Zhao helped parents recognize and understand the concept of mind control and asked parents to think about “which one of them they have experienced and which one they have used.” He encouraged parents to see their patterns and try to avoid these tactics in the future.



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在讲座的最后，国际部家委会主席董华春女士表示，非常感谢赵昱鲲老师从心理学角度为家长们带来开放的视角，让我们意识到在教养过程中父母不知不觉使用的心理控制。她还表示，家委会愿意积极推动家长的学习，继续增强家校共建，帮助家长们成长为更好的父母，期待未来与学校一起合作，创造更多的家校互动。


At the end of the lecture, Ms. Huachun Dong, the chairman of THIS Parent Council, expressed her gratitude to Dr. Zhao for bringing new perspectives to parents from a psychological point of view.  His insights and expertise highlighted that mind control is being unconsciously used in parenting. She also reiterated that the parent council actively supports parents’ learning, and will continue to strengthen family-school collaboration to help our parents to grow. She looks forward to hosting more good lectures for parents.


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家长感言

Parents’ Reflections


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Howard妈妈


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赵博士的分享很好，他提到的孩子的情绪是没有对错的，但是行为和观念可以有对错之分，这个观点很有道理，给我的印象最深刻。家长可以从关注孩子的情绪出发去引导他们的行为和观念，这样的亲子关系才能朝着“依恋型”关系发展，从而激发孩子更多的潜能。

Dr. Zhao’s sharing is really inspirational! He mentioned that there is no right or wrong emotions for children.  However,  behaviors and perceptions can be judged as right or wrong, which is very reasonable and that impressed me the most. Parents can focus on their children’s emotions to guide their behaviors and perceptions, so that the parent-child relationship can develop toward an “attachment-based” relationship, stimulating more potential in children.




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6W Pei Pei Liou家长


赵博士在讲座中展示的一段关于“虎妈”的影视作品很有既视感，再加上赵博士的的温暖提醒，有几个要点我认为特别需要警惕。例如，情绪勒索——‘我为了你辞职在家，每天给你做好吃的，穿好的，你却这么不听我的话去写功课⋯’我虽然没这么对孩子说过，但心里确实是这么想的，那也不行，因为孩子不是我们的附属品，他是独立的个体，所以不要用情绪勒索的字眼来要求他。最后还是需要用关心、尊重的态度来感化他。另外，当碰到其他家庭成员重要的事与孩子的事情有顺序上的冲突时，不能一眛的以孩子的事为重，还是需要有事情轻重缓急的区别，别让孩子有自我角色定位的偏差。

With Dr. Zhao’s warm reminders and watching the “tiger mom” movie shown in his talk, I think there are a few points particularly important for me. For example, emotional blackmail – ‘I quit my job to stay home for you, cook you good food and dress you well every day, and you don’t listen to me to do your homework…’ I don’t say this to my children, but I do think it in my heart. However, even thinking like this is not correct because children are not our appendages. They are independent individuals. So, we parents should not use emotional blackmail words to them. At the end of the day, we need to use care and respect to make them feel better. In addition, when there is a conflict between other family members’ important matters and the children’s, we can’t just take the children’s matters as the first priority. We still need to prioritize things and don’t let them have a biased self-positioning.



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6L Dora妈妈


我特别喜欢赵老师的讲座分享，他心理学专业知识很权威，亲子教育的实证案例很多，给到我们的具体方法也容易操作执行。在他讲解的内容中，我收获特别大的是关于“父母的心理控制”这部分。赵老师结合具体案例谈到六种心理控制的方式，包括：否认感受、压制思考、激发内疚、激发焦虑、有条件的爱、动机分析，我们作父母的常常不经意就通过这些方式形成了对孩子的心理控制，影响了孩子自主性的发挥，因此更要增强父母的觉察能力和控制修正能力。赵老师也谈到孩子的自驱力包括三个方面，自主感，能力感，连接感。我们父母要不断学习，从这三个方面引导孩子成为充满自驱力和正能量的身心健康的人，以便更好地行走在人生大道上，也能更好的帮助他人造福社会。

I especially enjoyed Dr. Zhao’s lectures because of his authoritative expertise in psychology as well as many empirical cases of parenting education. The specific methods he gave us are easy to practice. I particularly gained a lot from the part on “Parental Psychological Control”. Dr. Zhao talked about six types of psychological control with specific cases, including: denial of feelings, suppression of thinking, stimulation of guilt, stimulation of anxiety, conditional love, and motivation analysis, through which we as parents often inadvertently form psychological control over our children and affect their subjective initiative. Dr. Zhao also talked about the three aspects of the children’s self-drive ability: sense of autonomy, sense of competence, and sense of connection. We parents need to keep learning how to guide our children to become physically and mentally healthy, full of self-drive ability and positive energy. In this way, can they better grow in the life and better help others to benefit society.





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7W Lucas妈妈


周五在接孩子回家的路上听了赵老师的讲座，虽然看过赵老师翻译的《木匠与园丁》，还是讲座更直观更简洁，连七岁的弟弟路上都愿意听。赵老师关于家长应该是朋友式还是权威式问题的回答，听后觉得醍醐灌顶：不能线性地看待，这是个非线性的过程，家长有距离感强和弱的区别，孩子也各不相同，除了长期打骂等红色区域不能做之外，其他的都是很大一片灰色，家长做真实的自己就好。此外，我非常佩服赵老师的一点是，作为终身学习者，他清楚自己想要什么就去学去做，跨界三个领域。他提到人类之所以胜出了，还是因为大脑比其他动物适应性强。我们前期的接受了太多线性的、解题式的教育，容易认为教育也是线性的，其实很多是非线性，不是你想怎样就能怎样的，主动性交给孩子，家长有能力可以帮助搭脚手架。

Last Friday, I listened to Dr. Zhao’s lecture on the way home from picking up my children. Although I had read Dr. Zhao’s translation version of The Gardener and The Carpenter before, the lecture was more intuitive and concise for me, and even my seven-year-old son was interested to listen to it on the way. I was enlightened by Dr. Zhao’s answer to the question of whether parents should be friends or authorities. He said that you cannot consider the question linearly, it’s a non-linear process. Parents have their different judgments about the proximity of the sense of distance, so as children. Except forthe long-term scolding of children, which should be prohibited, the rest space is a big gray area. So, parents just be true to themselves. In addition, I really admire Dr. Zhao as a lifelong learner. He is very clear about what he want, and directly put his ideas into practice, being cross-border in three fields. Dr. Zhao mentioned that the reason why human being have the priority is because our brain is more adaptable than other animals. Parents have received too much linear or problem-solving education in the early stage, and it is easy to think that education is also linear. However, in fact, much of it is non-linear. It is not how the parent want it to be, the initiative is given to the children. Meanwhile, parents have the ability to help and support them.




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8L  Charles 妈妈


孩子小的时候我读过很多育儿书，对积极心理学的一些书也有了解。但是当孩子步入青春期时，我却常常不知所措，不知道该怎么教育孩子好了。赵博士的讲座对我有醍醐灌顶的点醒。赵博士说“要接纳孩子的感受，再来交流，可以制止行为，可以纠正观念”，“情绪、感受无对错，要和孩子共情。行为、观念有对错，可以干预纠正”。这些信息对我来说太重要了，清晰地指出了我们家长什么该为，什么不该为。非常感谢赵博士的分享！感谢家委会为大家安排这样持续成长的机会！


I read many parenting books when my child was in his younger age, and I also know a few books on positive psychology. But when he entered the adolescence, I was often at loss as to what to do. Dr. Zhao’s lecture was an enlightenment for me. Dr. Zhao said, “Accept your children’s feelings and then communicate with them, so that you can stop the behavior or correct their perception. There is no right or wrong emotion or feeling. Parents have to stand in children’s shoes. On the other side, behavior and perception do have right and wrong sides, and can be corrected by intervention”. All these words are so important to me that clearly point out what parents should do and what we should not do. Thank Dr. Zhao for his wonderful sharing! Also, thank parent council for arranging this opportunity for continuous growth!





    相信家长们通过这次的家长学校讲座都已经收获满满了，让我们共同期待家长学校更多的精彩讲座，一起成长为更好的父母！


Our parents have gained so much through this Parent School session. Let’s look forward to more lectures in the future and grow to be better parents!





文字 Writing | Mercy Xu, Mia Gu, THIS parents

排版 Editing | Mercy Xu

审核 Auditing |  Dieu-Anh Nguyen, Toni Dong, Wenping Li



本篇文章来源于微信公众号:                 清华附中国际部

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